25 October 2012

A hard days night

Sometimes as I lie in bed and unable to rest (even though i haven't slept more than 5 hours consistently for like 10 years) I watch the hours tick past, 9:30, 10:00, 11:23, 2:30 etc I just long for sleep. I used to be able to sleep anywhere.  Noise, light, super uncomfortable positions it did not matter.  Those days seem so long ago probably because they are but i think i was able to sleep then because i had no idea what this world was about.  Nor did I fully grasp what was just beyond the layers of atmosphere surrounding the earth. I think of the simple days when sleep didn't seem so important, but staying up late talking, plotting, planning, hoping and dreaming for what the future might possibly hold for me was way more worth while.   Don't get me wrong those things still happen they just usually happen at 2am when neither my husband nor I can sleep.  This had become our pillow talk time.  These are moments that I will always cherish, the sleepless era of our married life.  We've even grabbed or binoculars a time or two and sit in our backyard stargazing while discussing eternal things.  What is it going to be like?  I don't claim to have any idea what it will be like but i have plenty of hope and ideas as to what I'd like to experience someday whether in the near future, before I die or in the eternities.  I used to hope for a good man and partner in life, i try to be a good person, I'm not perfect but i found that person and now i call him husband and he is my best friend.  I've always hoped for children, that hope has been sparked by pregnancies that sadly did not come to fruition.  Not many people know that I've had a few miscarriages.  Not an uncommon occurrence but tough in the moment.  Hope of growing our family still exists but along with that hope there is ebbing fear.  Not just of losing another opportunity but of possible heath problems a child might have or raising them in this world so full of hate, death, destruction and greed.  Not to.mention my worry that I'll be the worst mom there ever was.  There is still so much beauty to be found but those worries are still there and not too far from my present thoughts.   i am a firm believer in experience being the mother of all knowledge and that if we are open to learning we can and will learn some of life's greatest lessons from the hardest, saddest things that we endure.  Hope and strength come from hard things right? So we move forward doing the best we can, working hard, being financially self sufficient, having plans for our future, enjoying each moment,  each other, friends and family, literally slowing down enough to smell the proverbial roses etc etc.  Riley can still dream of being a rock star, an aspiring writer and I can still dream of being a free lance nature photographer for national geographic travelling the world with my camera, pens and paper, a sketch pad, and a deep desire to be immersed in everything.  Good night all, but mostly goodnight me since this is my apiece to muse and grumble. I should stop in more often and leave a note or two to remember that i am still breathing and that i still have dreams left to live and discover.

1 comment:

debsfreckles said...

Miscarriages are hard. period. I get that. So is not being able to sleep. What is that all about? Good to "hear" from you again.